i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
