U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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