discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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