Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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