I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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