I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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