cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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