Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
