Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
