i was rollin on her like bob the builder
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
