My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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