Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
