I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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