Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
