I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
