dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
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You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
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By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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