No stitches, just platelets and will power
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize