I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
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Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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