Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
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