In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
