he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Randomize
