I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
