just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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