is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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