I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
