Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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