Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
