never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
