I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
