Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
