At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
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