I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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