new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
my poor anus
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
