We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
