New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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