so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
