I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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