Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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