if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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