you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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