tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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