His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
