I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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