I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
