i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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