Your face is a jimmy john
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.