So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.