Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
