now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
this hospital has no fireball
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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