so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
