WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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