I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
