fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
