One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
