I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
