That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
