five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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