Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
