This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
